The future is now: No wonder they can't tell time

I'm old enough to remember Cracked when it was an actual magazine, a not-very-subtle ripoff of Mad that redeemed itself by being almost as good, and sometimes better. These days, of course, it's metamorphosed into a website, where it has, surprisingly, become a go-to page for trivia, odd history and list-based humor. Where most people over twelve are now only dimly aware that Mad is still being published, Cracked has become a Name. Go figure.

One of their featured lists today is 5 Things Our Kids Won't Have In School. I won't spoil the whole article for you, but I will spoil it to the extent that I'm going to tell you what those five things are, and (in a word or two) what Cracked author Evan T. Simon blames their demise on.

We're losing...		...because...
Recess and gym		No Child Left Behind
Summer vacation		Our kids forget everything in three months
Textbooks		Who reads anymore? Besides, e-books are cheaper
Valedictorians		We can't all be valedictorians
Failing grades		Failure makes students feel bad

Most of these ideas come as no surprise to me. Although Simon here blames summer vacation on a historical need for kids to help with the crops at home, in another Cracked list Paul Jury attributes it to theories that the little darlings just can't hold up to year-round teaching. And we aren't really losing valedictorians, we're just losing the concept that there can only be one "best".

I'm expecting academic consistency from Cracked? It doesn't really matter. Simon and Jury both conclude that year-round school is probably a good idea.

But the thing that really takes me aback is that Simon attributes the loss of recess to George Bush. I'll summarize: Thanks to the cruel oppression of testing (and the teacher bonuses that high test scores bring), schools no longer have time to let the kids go out and play. This theory is just flatly wrong.

We are losing recess, that's true enough, but the reason we're losing recess is financial liability. It's an article of faith at all levels of education that there isn't enough money. That every school at every level is just one paycheck away from homelessness. Schools therefore welcome opportunities not to spend money. Liability insurance costs money, as does playground equipment, and most educational administrators can easily convince themselves that recess is not a core part of their mission. Many new schools, and many newly-renovated schools, do not have playgrounds at all. Even if the president of a well-funded PTA offers the school a check to build a playground, the school often will turn it down. If the principal is imaginative, she may suggest instead that the PTA build a garden.

And even when they do have playgrounds, they don't use them during school hours. Only after-schools and daycares (which, even if housed in the school building, are owned and run by private firms) will let the kids go outside.